Aki's Blog

I watched Disney’s 1991 film Beauty and the Beast today, for the first time since I was little. I was in love with Belle back then, and when I watched it again I recalled all those feelings again. It’s still one of the most beautiful films ever made, except I hate the ending. That Beast receives his beauty again for having Belle’s love sends the message that shallow beauty is an excellent gift, while it actually doesn’t matter the littlest.

Hint-hint! I don’t think you ought to read this journal unless you’re more or less all-knowing about the story of Tarja Turunen being kicked out of Nightwish in 2005, and their new singer Anette Olzon, who joined them in 2007. I know very well I’m a geek, so shut the fuck up about telling me. Thank you.

I read in an interview with Tuomas Holopainen (keyboardist and composer of symphonic metal band Nightwish) that he concider their songs Wish I Had an Angel (from 2004 album Once) and Bye Bye Beautiful (Dark Passion Play, 2007) as part of the same story lyrics-wise.It has also been rumoured that Master Holopainen had a crush, which was verified in an interview – even if he wasn’t deeply in love with her, he at least had a mere crush on her, “as did almost everyone as she was a very beautiful woman”. My theory: Wish I Had an Angel is about his platonic love towards Tarja, the “angel” which he cannot have. The subject of Bye Bye Beautiful is obvious as well as verified – it’s about firing Tarja from Nightwish. In other words, the story can be like this:Part 1 (Wish I Had an Angel):Tuomas has a crush about Tarja, yet isn’t loved back.Part 2 (Bye Bye Beautiful):Tarja is fired from Nightwish in 2005 partly due to her lack of interest in the band, and her changed attitude making her a complete bitch (my interpretation of the words in the letter (see the sources)). This doesn’t have to have anything to do with Tuomas’ crush on Tarja, but still this is a way of making the clear statement that he doesn’t want to be with the one he loves. Also, as is conspired among many fans and tabloids, the real reason of firing Tarja was because he couldn’t stand not having her. Either way, I do think this was a part. It seems like it, if Wish I Had an Angel and Bye Bye Beautiful really are parts of the same story.Sources:* Tuomas’ Nightmail – http://www.nightwish.com/en/community/nightmail* Tuomas talks about Dark Passion Play – http://www.tuomasholopainen.net/darkpassionplay.html* Open letter to Tarja in which she is fired – http://nightwish.com/en/article/6

Comments: (taken from the Last.fm article)

Rozen-rot:

Hey, very interesting, I didn’t know he had said that. Here’s my possible explanation. Its hard to infere meaning because the lyrics of WIHAA don’t actually make that much sense, but lets have a go at analyzing them anyway. “Deep into a dying day”. Here, ‘dying day’ could represent the end of the old era, meaning that the decision to fire Tarja is on his mind, and he is ‘deep into’ it [perhaps he is refering to the infamous letter, 'deep into writing it']. “I took a step outside an innocent heart”. This could refer to the realization by Tuomas that as the boss he has to do something which will not go down well with the fans. He won’t be seen as innocent, in many cases he will be singled out and hated. Or perhaps Tuomas already feels guilty for what he will do, and thus his heart is no longer innocent. Or maybe this is reference to Tarja, that greed has made her heart loose its innocence.

“Prepare to hate me fall when I may, This night will hurt you like never before”. Tuomas seems to be saying this might be the worse mistake of my career – ‘fall when I may’, and at same time preparing Tarja, acknowledging that this will likely end their friendship. But a link to BBB – did you ever listened to what we played?”Old loves they die hard.” Love doesn’t have to mean “in love”. Tuomas has stated many times that he has loved her voice, and that she was beautiful, but call me crazy but that doesn’t sound like anything more then admiration. Tarja was his muse, and he loved her. But I don’t believe he was ever “in love” with her. [He has a girlfriend].”I wish I had an Angel for one moment of love. I wish I had your Angel, your Virgin Mary undone”. Tuomas wants an Angel? In the first line that doesn’t have to mean Tarja. Following the first versus if Tuomas is considering firing Tarja, maybe angel is symbolic of a female vocalist whom he can love [not in the dirty way] and be inspired by, as is no longer the case with Tarja. In the second part, that might refer to Tarja, he wants her angel, as the way she was before the change in her character.”I’m in love with my lust”. Lust is a sin. Like greed. “Burning angel wings to dust”. What I infere from these two lines is, its not working out. 1. These could be representative of Tarja, she is saying I’m in love with my sin and its causing destruction, literally turning the band relationships to dust, or 2. Tuomas is saying because he is allowing the problem to remain, he is causing the destruction. “I wish I had your angel tonight” – Tuomas really wants the old Tarja back.’Drunken disguise changes all the rule’ – Tuomas admitting he has an drink problem.Okay not going to do anymore because I’ve run out of time. Might tomorrow if this sparks up a quarrel ;P. But anyway I would agree with Tuomas that they follow the same story but I don’t seen WIHAA as an unrequired love song for Tarja, seems more like a warning to me Of course I have the gift of hindsight on my side.Also note that it ends on ‘I wish I had an Angel’ four times, rather then ‘Your angel’. Suggesting Tuomas wants an angel [new vocalist] really badly.The problem of course with lyrics is that they are completely open to intrepretation. For all we know Tuomas put them together because they were pretty.

Quispiam (me):

Thanks for showing such an interest. I don’t think he was in love with her either, I guess I expressed myself unclear. Having a crush, being in love, those are two different things. I would say that either1) He was in love with her, but knew he couldn’t have her. That’s why it varies so much between (as your theory goes) that he wants to fire her, and that he says he wants her to be his (“I wish I had your angel tonight”); he knows it’s impossible, yet he cannot help to think “but maybe I can have her after all…” I know since I’ve been in the same position, and it’s quite tough on you. He also doesn’t say that he wants HER, that she IS the angel, he says he wants HER angel, i.e. what she used to be and maybe still is deep inside….or…2) He wasn’t in love with her, but Marcelo destroyed her through his greed, as described in Master Passion Greed, destroyed his old beloved friend. He didn’t want this to happen, he wanted the old Tarja back. Even though he’s not in love with her, he admires the old Tarja enough to refer to her as an angel. Think of her as a shell with the old Tarja either killed long ago, or trapped inside the shell. Desperately, Master Holopainen tries to bring her out, more and more realising that he can’t. She is long gone. He realises that he if he can’t reach the angel inside the shell, he has to destroy the shell too, metaphorically. Through firing her. I would say that the song is about dealing with those strong emotions when he has to get rid of his long lost friend. Think of it yourself; you have a friend who (choose yourself if you want to see it metaphorically or not) you love till the end, yet he is trapped inside a demon. You try to find your friend within the demon’s heart, but you slowly realises that your friend has become the demon. He is not your friend any more. He is, against his will, a demon. The angel is trapped within the demon, what is there to do but to through a burning crucifix at the demon?I’m sorry I may sound rather poetic, I’ve been working on a song text the whole day… :PEternalwanderer:@The above: I like your second theory. In addition to making sense, it’s ridiculously nicely worded.Anyways, your whole theory makes sense to me, though I can’t say as I’m nearly as familiar with every word master Holopainen has ever spoken.Solyndra:In the biography he said however that WIHAA was written (or he came up with the idea) when he went to a bar with his girlfriend at the time and that all the guys were lusting after her. And I believe it kinda pissed him off xD His girlfriend at the time couldn’t have been Tarja because she was already married, and BBB is definitely directed at her.So I think the storyline could be correct lyricwise, but I don’t think the actual facts connected to the lyrics are connected as well.And by the way – in 2004 the band and Tarja were still friends. It went wrong during the tour, not before, if my memory serves right.Quispaim (me):Solyndra: You’re right, he have said that. That’s the one con in my theory, maybe I should have mentioned it.And yes, they have said that it was during the tourings, but also that they never rehearsed Once together. The guys had one shift, Tarja another, so they barely met. Maybe Tuomas already thought of this, and the tour was what made it worse.Rozen-rot:I think tensions had been arising for a long time, I mean they didn’t just happen over night. Look at Century Child released in 2004, Tuomas doesn’t seem to be in a good mood writing that one. Then factor in he wanted to leave. Problems were brewing for a few years prior to that release.That and the lovely Mrs Turunen stating in an interview that she and Tuomas were never friends. Nice.Quispiam (me):Rozen-rot: Little is known about why he wanted to leave Nightwish after Wishmaster (or was it after Over the Hills and Far Away?), all he has said is that “they felt musical differences among the members”. That’s also why he fired Sami, who according to him didn’t have a similar goal in their musical life (they’re still friends though), and why so much changed with Century Child. I don’t think it has to do with Tarja, really.Solyndra:It wasn’t just the band. He has also said his personal life had pretty much collapsed at this point..BlackDahlia333:I did believe that there was a connection between these two songs. Even the music sounds somehow simalar. So as far as we know that BBB is about Tarja why don’t believe that WIHAA is about her too? Tuomas has said she was his muse so I think he loved her (I’m not saying he was in love with her) Tarja had express her willing for solo career before the release of Once so maybe Tuomas was thinking his options.Quispiam (me):Yeah, well, I don’t think Tuomas was (nor is) in love with Tarja; neither WIHAA nor BBB really suggest love (more than friendship, respect, passion etc.).And yes, I know that if I were Tuomas I’d want to kill all the fans discussing his deeply personal problems, but hell, I have too much free time. GreyWolf84:I found your journal wandering on lastfm..I hope it’s ok if I add my comment on the matter..Actually Tarja husband really stated Tuomas was in love with her (read Marcelo Cabuli answers, in Tarja’s wikipedia). And Tarja confirmed it.Now I’m not sure which kind of love was it..for sure it wasn’t just a random crush since Marcelo quoted Tuomas own words saying “nobody was able to stop his love for Tarja” . Maybe it was platonic, maybe it was more physical..but according to Tarja and Marcelo he was for a long time in love with her.Going back to the song..BBB is surely about Tarja . I don’t think WIHAA has a connection with her..When Tuomas talked about “sister songs” I think he meant music-wise, not lyricswise.As someone said it, the song was written after a night in a bar with his girlfriend and guys started to hit on her..and Tuomas didn’t know what to do and was kinda pissed. I’ve never understand how the lyrics are connected to the event, however this is what Tuomas said.Quispiam (me):@GreyWolf84: Ofcourse, and I haven’t “decided” for an opinion or theory of my own, I merely debate on facts and guesses. I have read Tarja’s letter, and I know that she and Marcelo over and over again has said that Tuomas did feel for her and that he did confess this, more or less threatening Marcelo to leave her. However this is word against word, and we’ll never know who’s right. Tuomas states he didn’t feel anything more than a crush for Tarja, and that was years ago, back in the late 1990′s. I would presume he more or less admired her, felt a platonic love, but that he had accepted that he could not have her. When Marcelo stepped into the picture he was pissed of, partly in jealousy, but mostly simply because he destroyed his friend. That’s my theory.Your theory on BBB and WIHAA is very possible, and I can at least somewhat relate the lyrics of WIHAA to that event, if it’s written from their point of view.

Tom Cruise is one of the few super-famous actors who I believe actually deserve their popularity, who actually are good on stage. He and Johnny Depp are the two I can mention right up front that I feel this way about. The problem with him is how he almost only acts action films, and action is probably my least favorite genre in film. So I really love his performance in 2003′s drama-action-history film The Last Samurai.In The Last Samurai, Tom Cruise is Captain Nathan Algren, a war hero tormented of the memories of the Indian wars in which he acted, and the many innocent he has slayed. As the emperor of Japan wants to civilize his country, extincting the few samurai led by Katsumoto (Ken Watanabe), Algren is hired to lead the country’s new troups, basically farmers who hasn’t seen a gun before. After a failed battle in which the entire Japanese army is killed, Algren is captured by Katsumoto. After living with the samurai for a while, he realises that they aren’t the enemy, they are the ones trying to capture the natural beauty of Japan and keep it. Slowly, we are to realise that the emperor isn’t a “bad guy”, but more of a weak puppet led by assistants and war generals, while the emperor himself is unsure whether to keep or destroy the samurai. Throughout the film, Katsumoto several times says that if the emperor wants him dead, he has but to ask, and he will gladly take his life. The emperor never replies.The Last Samurai is one of my absolute favorite films, a great epic story that has everything: great actors, one of the best music scores ever in film history (by Hans Zimmer), love, death, cool weapons (okay, I admit it, I love Japanese weapons, samurai and ninjas), and a grande ending fight ending with the scene when Captain Alger meets the emperor, and gives him Katsumoto’s katana, and the ending quotes always makes me thrill of epic:”Tell me how he died.”"I’ll tell you how he lived.”I never have Swedish subtitles on while watching an English film, but I couldn’t avoid seeing the Swedish title “Den Siste Samurajen” (“The Last Samurai” in singular) on the cover. What the…? Translators should try getting their facts straight. Director Edward Zwick has himself said that the title refers to the last samurai troop, and NOT Captain Nathan Algren. Get your facts straight.Again: A great film, recommended to everyone. A great epic, with perfect balance of drama, history and action.

I can see you smiling in every frozen tear
I can hear you whisper “you and I”
Please tell me once again it’s just you and I

Extract from Kamelot’s Temples of Gold (Karma)

Read.

I have always been thinking. Always, since I was born. Love, hate, sorrow, religion, why is the world as it is? What is the reason of hate, what causes sorrow? Sorrow is a matter we need to accept, someone we are forced to understand and cope with. Everyone dies, and that is a fact and not anything we are able to change. But we can change the fact that people are killed young, that animals (and by animals I include the human being) are killed every day, that some starve and some are bathing in champagne. We can change the fact that some people does not live a life, simply because no one let’s them.

Throughout my life, I have been interested in several religious standings, most frequently Christianity, however I do not agree with too many parts to call myself a Christian, which I have discovered recently. Something to make clear right away is that I am a vegetarian, believing that the value of every creature on the Earth is the same, something that the Bible does not agree with. What this world need is a new Bible, a new book of truth with the modern ideas, the updated world which I don’t see any religions following. Wherever I turn, I find nothing but basic hate against women, homosexuality, other animals, other people. What is wrong with this world, is everyone born to hate? I believe not.

I will not call what I hereby create a religion, but I will call it a way of life. I hope for others to join me in my crusade against misery and hate, my crusade for a world in which justice and love without exception prevails. This is a protest, a protest in which I wish your help. If others ever care to join me, please write me an e-mail and I will create a member list in which you are featured. Ofcourse, you can all listen to these advices on a better way to live without becoming a member.

Thank you for reading.

Yours sincerely,
Anton Johansson

What wouldn’t I give to hold you only once?
Only once
Then you are free
Then I won’t ask any more of you
Then you don’t have to hear me say
Those aweful words again
Only once
Would it hurt you?
Would it rip your soul the way you say it will?
If I only hold you once?

2008.01.30 – 2008.02.05

I wrote this poem between the 16th and 19th of January, 2008.

Hush, my dear
Let the winter whisper its message
Don’t say a word
As we wander through the ages
In this winter wonderland

I can’t sleep
When we lay down in the wintery world
Don’t try to breathe
It’s hard enough to live as it is
In this winter wonderland

When everyone around me sleep forever, rest forever
I wander out in the snow
To find my long lost love
Who betrayed me long ago
Who I still feel for

The snow lay white beneath my bare feet
As I search for thy corpse in the ice
As I know I’ll never find thee.

A poem I wrote on January 6, 2008.

I remember when I first met you

With my magic wand

I made your scars disappear
Only to show on my own wrist
Yet I miss that night
Yet I miss how you shined
Yet I miss how I once bled for you
For you

On June 5, 2007, American power metal band Kamelot released their eight studio album entitled “Ghost Opera”. I downloaded (I am ashamed, please forgive me) the album the same summer.

Since I first heard Kamelot (with first loves like “The Haunting (Somewhere in Time)” and “The Black Halo”) in the summer of 2006, I’ve loved the band. There is something special with their ability to combine some of my favorite genres in metal: symphonic, progressive, power and (on later albums) gothic. My love for the band is nothing that changes with this album, not at all. As a first comment on it… I love the title and art work… I will buy it as soon as I get some money, I promise. However, I more want to buy their “One Cold Winter’s Night” DVD. It seems cool.

Over to the review.

The album kicks off with a one minute instrumental entitled “Solitaire”, that really feels like a waste of time, or an excuse to have eleven tracks on the album, cause it sounds much better than eleven…. A solo violin playing the most boring notes, where’s the KAMELOT? Just skip the track… I do.

“Rule the World”, the second track, is one of those songs that has nothing special that sticks out, but that it’s nothing wrong with. I like the raise of Roy Khan’s voice in the chorus, and it’s quite speedy. It doesn’t really touch me otherwise, but it’s really an okay song.

The main track has an eponymous title with the album. “Ghost Opera” is a speedy, interesting breaking-border song. And GOD that video’s fabulous! It’s quite boring in a way, though… I can refer to Sonata Arctica’s song “Wolf & Raven”; the song seems to have a great potential but everything fades when it sounds the same without grande changes. It’s not catchy enough.

“The Human Stain” is the fourth track of the album. It is a cynic’s view of the world: everything bad, human kind’s selfishness (“No one really wants to die to save the world”), and the wish to be an innocent child again. It is a good, cool and catchy song, that is sad and interesting with gothic metal-similarities such as the keyboard playing throughout the song.

“Blücher” is based on the sinking of the the German cruiser of the same name in World War II. It’s a bit like “Rule the World” but better; it’s quite neutral, nothing good nor bad about it… It’s cool with the intro as well as some parts of the background that’s just filled with sounds of the war; screaming, shooting etcetera.

And here comes what I would presume is my favorite track of the album. “Love You to Death” is a beautiful story about a couple where the girl is dying, and this is his speech to her about how he will stay by her forever, love her to death… It’s the longest song off the album (5:13) and for that I’m glad. It has a cool intro and a catchy chorus… Me like.

“Up Through the Ashes” is what I would call one of the heaviest song of the album. It’s quite angry. I like it.

“Mourning Star” is quite neutral. I’ve got nothing against it, despite it’s not one of my favorite. Guess I miss some kind of turn that never shows up.

Vocalist Roy Khan tries lots of new vocal methods in the song “Silence of the Darkness”. It also holds a great guitar solo that has a cool, outstanding sound. I guess I’ll try it as soon as I have the powers. This is one of the songs that seems really cool live (I might go to their Stockholm concert in May, 2008, wih).

Kamelot is really good on slow, sad songs, and they usually have at least one per album. On Ghost Opera, “Anthem” is the one. It is a sad piano song with a fascinating chorus and beautiful yet sad lyrics. I keep listening for the introduction of sudden drums in the end, by “I’ll be the best I can”. That would sound great… WHY NOT?

The final song of the album is “EdenEcho” which is another song that would be lovely live. It doesn’t really make it unto my mind, so I cannot count it as one of my favorites. Yet it has a cool chorus.

Tracklisting:

1. “Solitaire” – 1:00
2. “Rule the World” – 3:40
3. “Ghost Opera” – 4:06
4. “The Human Stain” – 4:01
5. “Blücher” – 4:03
6. “Love You to Death” – 5:13
7. “Up Through the Ashes” – 4:59
8. “Mourning Star” – 4:37
9. “Silence of the Darkness” – 3:43
10. “Anthem” – 4:24
11. “EdenEcho” – 4:13

The album also features two bonus tracks (“The Pendulous Fall” and “Season’s End”), both which I haven’t heard.

Another poem. Has nothing to do with my life at the moment right now, though. So god damn it, don’t get it wrong.
Why are you so turned away from me?
Why is the window opened tonight,
and why are you not saying a word?

Why aren’t the stars as bright as before?
Why is the sky grey, not black,
and why are you leaving me?